Day two.

Okay, so I am a little later than my original deadline of “tomorrow”, but, in my defense, I’m still getting used to the whole working third shift thing. I am still posting though, which is a plus.

Today’s prompt is What are you passionate about?

The first thing that comes to mind is my daughter. There is nothing else in the world that is more important to me than her and her daddy. They’re my everything. I am passionate about taking care of them and being there for them. I’m passionate about teaching Evie that you can be a strong, beautiful woman and care for others at the same time. I want to teach her to be creative and to not be afraid to question things and stand up for herself. I want to be the best mother I can be (which I am finding to be difficult on the mornings that I get off work at 4 am and only get a couple of hours of sleep before she wakes me).

I am passionate about reading books. I can get completely immersed in a book and finish it in a day. I will read anything from books about Anthropology to slightly cheesy romance novels, I’m not picky. If you put a book (or ebook) in my hand, I will read it.

I am passionate about music. I don’t think I could live without music. I went so long listening to music I felt I had to instead of music that I loved. At that point, I didn’t listen to it as much as normal; I just didn’t enjoy it. But, now that I am getting back to my roots, per say, I love listening to music whenever I can, whether it is live or from a playlist. My tastes are eclectic to say the least. You’ll find classical, folk, metal, country, pop, and everything in between in my selections.

I have discovered a passion for bettering myself. It’s definitely a process, but it is one that I enjoy. I find that by finding out more about myself, I’m able to enjoy my life more and more. I’m starting to act more like myself again. If you had asked me six months ago if I had changed, I would have said no.

I am trying to form a passion for health and fitness, but I am finding a lack of motivation to be my greatest obstacle.

So, for now, those are all my true passions that I can think of at the moment. The next post is Share your favorite recipe, why you love it, and food porn (pictures of said recipe).

I’m looking forward to this one. No guarantee on when this one will be complete, but I’m shooting for Thursday!

 

Day one.

So, I found this thing on Pintrest aka: every mom’s secret (or not so secret) obsession. It comes from the blog Janine Ripper and I would definitely recommend reading her stuff if you are on your own self discovery journey. The post I am referring to is 105 Prompts for Self-Exploration. I don’t know that I will do all the prompts, but I feel like this is a good starting point for keeping consistent blog posts coming.

The first prompt is sharing why you are blogging and I feel I have already done that, so I consider that one done. That means I will be starting with number 2!

Share your favorite affirmations. 

I can’t say that I have ever done anything with affirmations. To be honest, I had to look up the general meaning of the word. So, I have picked out a few that go along with some of the issues I have.

What others think of me is their choice. What I think of me is my choice.

This is something I struggle with every day. I am constantly afraid of what others think of me. I know a big part of it is my anxiety and depression bogging me down and I have gotten a lot better recently in this area. But there are still times where I catch myself thinking of how others perceive me. In a sense, I think it is good thing, especially in a professional or parental sense. You always want your boss or your children to think of you positively (even though there are times when you swear your kids despise you). The worst part of it, though, is I let how others see be dictate how I see myself. This is the part that I am working to change. I know that I am not what others make me out to be, but it is hard to see that sometimes, so it is nice to be reminded every once in a while.

I believe in myself more each day.

Again, this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Self confidence isn’t something that I have had an abundance of. Physically, I’ve always considered myself O.K. at best and in everything else I always ranked below average. But, I’m working on it. It helps that I have a husband that compliments me and never lets me forget that he finds me attractive. Also, my two year old tells me I’m beautiful like Elsa, so there’s that! I’ve recently started the whole bare-minimum make up thing and have experienced my skin becoming far healthier and I have lost some weight in the past few weeks, so it’s looking up in that department. I feel like I’m going to struggle more with my inner self issues than my outer ones, though. Time will tell.

I’ve gotten through this before, so I can do it again.

The biggest monsters in my life are my anxiety and depression. I have never been officially diagnosed, though after having Evie I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. Everyday I have to battle through them in one way or another. It’s hard to get out of bed more often than not and there are so many times where I am just at war with myself. Do I stay in bed and stay safe under the covers or do I get up and clean the house to the point where my fingers are raw because of the anxiety of the clutter of having pets and a toddler? Honestly, if it weren’t for Evie and Brent, I don’t know where I would be at. Having people that depend on me is a healthy dose of reality when I hit my low points. I plan on starting to go to a GP and seeing about possibly getting some medication to even me out. I just know something has got to give.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I suppose it isn’t too bad of a start! Any kind of declaration at this point is helpful in my eyes. Tomorrow will be What are you passionate about? It should be fun!

 

 

Just a weekend.

louder-than-life
Louder Than Life, October 2016

2016 included a few firsts for me.

It was the first year we were able to get mine and my husbands side of the family together for Christmas. It was the first year we had been to a concert as a married couple. It was also the first year I had ever been to a music festival.

For those who had read any of my other posts, you know that, for a long time, I had been trying to change who I am to fit the profile of a “good mother”. I know now that that is a load of complete bullshit. The decision to attend Louder than Life and once again immerse myself into the culture of metal was a defining moment for me.

I had spent the past 2 years trying to make myself into this good Christian woman because that’s what social media and those around me told me I needed to do. I changed my clothing, my music, how I spoke and became someone I didn’t even recognize anymore. But, on October 1 and 2, 2016, I saw how wrong I had been.

Being around others who loved the music as much as I do was transcendent, more so than anything I had ever felt during any church sermon. The amount of crowd surfers was insane and you could just tell that the artists got as much of a high as we did from the experience. It was crazy to be around so many people who loved to just be there and experience everything the music gave us a collective. You could feel it in your bones.

The best part for me, though, was seeing the people who had brought their kids with them. That really made it hit home to me that I had been making a fool of myself and that, in changing myself for everyone else, I was setting the worst kind of example for my daughter.

So, I change that weekend. It was like the fire was lit inside of me again. I’ve stopped caring so much about everyone else. My husband and I have starting putting what we want first and giving a big old middle-finger to anyone who tries to shame us for it. I’ve changed jobs, cleaned out my closet of all the clothes that just weren’t me, and starting listening to the music that really reaches my soul.

And I don’t regret it for one second.

Who would have thought to one music festival would have had such a profound experience in my life.

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